Saturday, April 3, 2010

Clash of the Titans

Sam Worthington is having a pretty great year as far as actors go.

He came out of nowhere last June when we were introduced to him in the sub-par Terminator Salvation as a half-man half-machine saving the world from Skynet alongside of Christian Bale.

Then the entire world saw him as Jake Sully in the groundbreaking Avatar, a half-man half Na’vi, who tames the beast and saves Pandora.

To round out the trifecta Mr. Worthington stretches his acting capabilities to the limit, playing Perseus in Clash of the Titans, a half mortal, half God, who tames Pegasus and is destined to save Argon.

Apparently casting agents see something in him.

So how does Worthington fair in his third attempt to save the world?

Well, let’s not put this all on him.

I wanted to like this movie, I truly did.  However, I did go into the theatre with lowered expectations; I was not confident that it would hold my attention and keep me entertained. It truly didn’t…even with a head start.

The epic journey of Perseus’ quest to save the Princess and exact his revenge on the Gods who so carelessly took his family from him should jump off the page when read and should be a compelling story to watch on the big screen. While the screenplay may have garnered some smiles from studio execs who recalled growing up with the original, the final product had to leave them feeling betrayed.

There were moments during Clash of the Titans were the CGI looked comparable to the stop-motion of the 1981 original (the scorpions in the desert). Liam Neeson as Zeus looked equally tacky, the light shown off his armor in a way that seemed…out of focus. Maybe in theory that was the thing to do, but I just found it…annoying.

Now lets get real, a $70 million budget wasn’t enough to realize this movie as we can realize it with our imaginations. They should have knocked it down to $30 million, used stop-motion animation, and thrown in some more blood or sex among the Gods, at least then it would have had character, it may have been interesting or even risqué.

The set-up of the 2 hour film is trite, followed by cluttered action scenes, expository dialog, more hard to follow action, blah-blah-blah, a lot of walking/riding and a rather lack-luster climax. The whole film builds up to the release of the Kraken but it was no more a spectacle than what I had seen in the trailer.

Aren’t action adventure stories supposed to be fun and suspenseful? I never once thought to myself; “how the hell are they going to get outta this one”? Clash of the Titans was like a really short, bland, Hobbit-less Lord of the Rings trilogy.

At the 15minute mark of the movie the sound cut out for about two seconds. For two seconds I imagined a world were the God’s had had enough with the mortals portraying them with unimaginative CGI tricks and emotionless dialog and abolished all theatergoers to the lobby… for a refund and a voucher for a free popcorn. Then the sound came back on and Sam Worthington said something cliché.

For two seconds, it was like heaven.

My Vote: This could become an 8-year old boys favorite movie…unless he has seen any other action/adventure movie ever made.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Reason... where we’re going, we don’t need reason….

What’s in a movie title? Whether it’s a Drama or a Romantic Comedy the title of a movie can say a lot...and cause you to love it or hate it before you ever step foot into the theatre.


Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure is simply about Bill and Ted’s most excellent adventure, stupid title... or widely ingenious? It’s not metaphorical or thematic. Five words never said so much. Dude Where’s My Car is another title that gets to it’s point rather quickly. Not that there is a point to that movie, but I digress.

So what does a name like Hot Tub Time Machine say? Well, everything.

If you accept that there is a hot tub that doubles as a time machine than you are willing to accept ANYTHING that comes after. If that’s the case, than Hot Tub Time Machine is the funniest movie you will see all year.

Hot tubs have been around for a long time. Cave men sat in Hot Springs. But the purpose, the origin, or the mystery behind the Hot Tub Time Machine is never explained, and thank GOD for that. There is no reason to care why there is a hot tub that takes us to 1986,  it just does. There is no reason to care why any of these guys are at low point in their lives, they just are. We accept everything because of the title.

This movie will never die. You take a huge risk buy giving your movie a title like this, if it doesn’t work out you’re gonna look like an ass…if it does, your a genius.  Hot Tub Time Machine is the funniest, raunchiest guy movie that I’ve seen in a long time and it stayed honest and true to it’s title. Its must have soft and sentimental moments move along quickly and I don’t see these jokes getting any less funny as time goes by.

And any movie that brings my Cleveland Browns to a Super Bowl is okay in my book.

My Vote: Don’t bring your girlfriend; she’ll realize you’re an idiot…


Kyle Retter - I Hate Movie Reviews

Minor League




I was in a pretty good mood when I walked into She’s Out of My league. When I walked out, well…

Jay Buchental stars as Kirk, an awkward, out of shape Pittsburgh airport TSA agent, which, for some reason is a worse job than shoveling shit at the circus. He is pursued by Molly, played by Alice Eve*, a wealthy party planner with a law degree…who is a lot more attractive in her underwear than Kirk is.

It’s a Rom/Com. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy looses girl, boy gets girl back. There is a pretty basic formula for romantic comedies; we all know what is going to happen.

Question: Why do Romantic Comedies keep Hollywood afloat along with Horror movies?

Answer: It’s the characters. It’s how the paint by numbers plot is colored and manipulated that separates a good movie from a bad one.

It’s fair to say they colored inside the lines here, with a very small, bland palate in mind.

Hailed as the “ the funniest movie since The Hangover” and clearly trying to be a “Knocked up and There’s Something about Mary” hybrid, She’s Out of My League manages to be worlds apart from any of those three, and the comparison is an insult of epic proportions. Although they tried and tried, I don’t think I laughed for the first 15 minutes of the movie, it was actually kind of sad.

She’s Out of My League misses the mark by so much, I began to take it personally...I just spent $12 to laugh and someone didn't even care to realize they didn't even have much of a story, let alone a funny one. You’re smart…you'll feel the same way. This movie doesn’t make much sense; it’s unintentionally unintelligent and boring, so much in fact I was almost confused. Why is the weather in Pittsburgh so awesome during Hockey season? Why are these two meant to be together? Why are the obstacles keeping them apart so…weak? Why, why, why…. bother.

There were a few laughs, a couple smiles, but in the end this was just a poor attempt at both Romance and Comedy.

My Vote: If you need to see a loser get the girl, you can do a lot better….see above.

Kyle Retter - I Hate Movie Reviews

*As far as I can tell, Alice Eve is her real name and no, she is not an adult film star, if she was….nevermind.