Monday, March 22, 2010

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Sometimes you gotta eat the cheese….

I don’t remember too much of my middle school days besides the fact I was small, wimpy, didn’t play sports, tried to be cool, and my best friend broke my arm…and then laughed about it. Diary of a Wimpy Kid could have been my autobiography….

Greg Heffley has just entered middle school and his mother forces him to create a “journal” to log his trials and tribulations…for when he gets rich and famous and doesn’t have time to answer silly questions. My, oh my how I wish I had one of these now. Not because of all the questions I get asked about my childhood, but so I could laugh at how important middle school was to us at 12 or 13 years old. Never the less, Greg Heffley kept a journal, and it will have to suffice.

I realized, walking out of Wimpy Kid, that the past two movies I’ve seen and reviewed had something very important missing, a central character I could care about. It was refreshing to feel something during a movie besides excited or enchanted (Alice in Wonderland) and bored out of my mind (She’s Out of My League).

I’ll admit, at times I found Greg to be a little bit of a jerk. He throws his best friend under the bus over and over only to seem shocked when the friendship ends. However, his brother is an even bigger jerk, so I sympathized with Greg nonetheless.

For a PG movie I laughed out loud a lot more than I would have predicted. I was proud of Greg and felt bad for him all the while his best friend Rowley kept me in stitches. The series of events are rather exaggerated, but I’m sure that my 7th grade journal would seem a little exaggerated as well.

Lessons are learned and friendships are made stronger by the end. Most films try to accomplish this very simple task but fail to contain any reason for us to care. Kids are amazing. Sometimes I think they are here more for adults benefit than the other way around. Sweet, funny, and to the point, I wish I saw more movies like this on a regular basis.

My Vote: Superbad for a 10 year old.

Kyle Retter
Ihatemoviereviews.blogspot.com

Sunday, March 7, 2010

Alice in Underland?



The usual suspects come together for another trip down the rabbit hole, this time, through Tim Burton’s gothic eye. The Lewis Carol books ( Alice’s Adventure through Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass ) have been adapted for the screen as many times as Beatles songs have been covered by undeserving bands. 


Okay, maybe not that many, but enough. 


The familiar story combines the two books’ characters and follows a young girl, Alice, as she falls down a rabbit hole where she encounters a curious cast of eccentric friends and foes  before waking up from her strange dream and returning home in time for a spot of tea. 


To those familiar with his work, it would appear that Tim Burton was put on this earth for no other reason than to direct a re-make of Walt Disney’s 1951 animated classic, Alice in Wonderland …but he didn’t.

Burton’s goal was to give the story "some framework of emotional grounding" and "to try and make Alice feel more like a story as opposed to a series of events." So instead of a re-make or worse yet, a re-imagination, Burton gives us a Return to Oz* kind of journey back to Wonderland. 

Our once young Alice is now 19 and on the verge of a courtship with Hamish Ascot, a pompous young man with digestion problems. Alice, a wild child for the Victorian era, avoids Mr. Ascots' marriage proposal by once again following the White Rabbit down his rabbit hole, without any recollection of her first escapade down south.

Wonderland, isn’t Wonderland any longer, in fact, it never was. Underland, as it has apparently always been referred to is ruled by the terrible Red Queen. Unbeknownst to Alice, it has been written that she will slay the Jabberwocky- defeating the Red Queen and returning the Crown to the White Queen, thus restoring order in Wonder-eh-hem, Underland, although there is question to whether or not the White Rabbit even lured the correct Alice down the hole in the first place. 

Burton creates a clear goal for Alice, and thus, a story, as opposed to a series of events. However, does he succeed in his attempt to give this story “some framework of emotional grounding?

Yes and no.

I know that’s not really a fair answer, but life ain’t fair, kids.

Halfway through the movie Alice has a Network (1976) moment, claims her individuality, and clues us into the real theme of the story. We’ve all seen it before, but I sure wasn’t expecting something groundbreaking. A kid friendly movie has to reach a wide audience, especially a movie with a $200 million dollar budget, and it will. 

Consequently, my emotional connection to Alice teetered between a-little and not so much, but I ask you, who’s face is it we see filling the movie poster frame? I’ll give you a hint; it doesn’t belong to anyone resembling Goldilocks.  Johnny Depp is the real star of this movie. Depp and Burton team up for the sixth time shaping a character sure to grab the spotlight and garner much of our emotional response. Depp, as always, is impressive, and to be honest, his perfection is almost boring. But Depp isn’t the only big name on this cast list.

There has been talk of how Burton’s wife, Helena Bonham Carter, steals the show from Depp as The Red Queen; indeed her character is rich and fun.  Anne HathawayCrispin GloverMichael Sheen and Stephen Fry round out this all-star cast. In reality, it's not the cast or even the characters that really carry this movie along, but the spectacle Burton creates. 

While the original film is in many ways ominous, thought provoking, and, well, something of a trip, Burton’s vision hardly deserves the same comparison. Released in 3-D and IMAX 3-D (the only way to see a 3-D movie), comparing the 2010 release to the 1951 release is like comparing your home cooking to your mothers; you may call the dish by the same name but they're really worlds apart. 


However, the brush that Burton paints with, the colors on the palate he chooses, the characters he helps to embellish, and the score Danny Elfman orchestrated produces a fantasy spectacle worthy of anyone's two hours.

My Vote: Sliding into the # 6 spot on the All Time Opening Weekends list, it would appear that my vote really wouldn’t count.


Return to Oz from 1985 tells the tale of Dorothy returning to Oz 6 months after her initial departure. There’s no Emerald city and there are people with wheels where their hands should be. It’s not pretty, but it’s pretty scary.  

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

On DVD...

The Invention of Lying-

The Invention of Lying was written, directed and stars Ricky Gervais as Mark Bellison, a man living in a world that knows no lies. When Mark comes up short on his rent he invents a lie and attempts to control his future and get the girl of his dreams. Mark is a failing screenwriter which is rather ironic given the flimsy story that unfolds in front of us.

My Vote: Skip this high concept comedy and check out Ghost Town, a funnier, smarter film from last year.


The Cove

Nominated for Best Documentary Feature at this years Oscars, The Cove shows us the slaughtering of dolphins for high profits and Dolphin meat. Suspenseful and heartbreaking, The Cove is sure to move audiences. Some images may be too much for animal lovers to take, but the truth often stings.

My Vote: A well-made Documentary with a clear agenda.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Cop Out


As the credits rolled at the end of Cop Out the group of kids* in front of me proclaimed “that shit was awesome, hilarious…now lets go smoke another bowl* ”.

I knew I forgot to do something before I left the house.

Cop Out stars Bruce Willis and Tracy Morgan as Jimmy and Paul, 2 New York City cops who have been partners for 9 years! Yeah, 9 years! I only mention this because it was the first thing we find out about the two and I'm not sure why. One of the first things they teach you as a screenwriter (so I’m told) is not to come out and state simple expository information like “ gee Martha, how long is it that we’ve been married, 40 years?”, but that’s just what you get. I guess screenwriters Mark and Robb Cullen, both television producers by trade, were setting a tone. The story unfolds like a poorly drawn cop show, but as luck would have it we don't have the option of changing the channel.

The gimmick here is Paul (Tracy Morgan) likes to pay homage to every kind of movie he's seen, while doing his cop thing. This offered some funny moments but unfortunately it was overdone in the very first scene. Like Paul, we can also then assume that Cop Out is attempting to pay homage to buddy cop films of yester-year but it lacks the one thing that all old buddy cop films possessed.

Heart.

Now, I feel kind of silly as I write that, but there was something special about movies like Lethal Weapon, Beverly Hills Cop even Turner & Hooch…..While Cop Out tries to have fun with the buddy cop genre the only two that are having any real fun are the Cullen brothers…as they laugh all the way to the bank.

And yet, I don’t think they're entirely to blame. It’s all about execution, right?

Kevin Smith takes on his first director-for-hire endeavor and I was less than impressed. Now any real fan of Smith is less than concerned with Mise- en-scene, I’m sure, but at least try to use the film camera as more than a recording device. I was hoping that not having the daunting task of writing AND directing would allow him to flex his directing chops a little bit and grow as a filmmaker here, but it didn’t.

I think he decided to throw in the towel when Watchmen came out on Blu-Ray.

Smith’s early stuff was so on point. Chasing Amy, I think, is an absolutely wonderful movie that everyone should see. Clerks is decent, and has an inspiring story behind it*, and Mallrats and Dogma are interesting and funny flicks. An evening with Kevin Smith cracks me up more than most comedies that come out every year. A fat nerd who loves movies and poop and dick jokes turned himself into an icon (really, people worship Kevin Smith on a level I don’t understand). Lately though, Smith has come across as a big Hollywood pussy (I mean no disrespect Mr. Smith, cause I respect you… and I would be happy to purchase you lunch and watch you eat it if you’ll let me) and the past 10 years has been rather disappointing.

My Vote- You know how when someone drives a shitty car they always smirk and say “it gets me from point A to point B”. Cop Out is kinda like Kevin Smith’s shitty car.

*17 or 18 year olds…unfortunately these are kids to me now.
**They were high on drugs you nerds.
***Smith financed Clerks on his credit card for something like $27,000.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Halloween (1978) vs. Halloween (2007) The Changing Face of Horror





Much of the allure to horror films is the same allure that draws us to the cinema in the first place; we get to see our collective fears, anxieties, desires, and subconscious feelings played out in front of us, but without having to actually deal with them. This is much like what happens in our dreams. Horror films take on the specific task of calling to our fears about death and the after life. Horror films speak to us in the same way a car wreck on the highway does; we don’t want to look, but we have to, mainly because we are curious, but also, and more understandably, it forces us to put things in perspective.

Throughout cinemas short history it seems that horror films have never fully received their due credit either from critics or box office success (of the top 50 highest grossing movies of all time, only two, The Sixth Sense and Jaws make the list at 32 and 45 respectively); yet they remain to be part of the Hollywood staple. It can be argued that the horror genre is powerful, relevant, and deserves to be discussed amongst other great films throughout cinema’s history. The horror genre, much like other genres, has gone through a transformation over the past 30 years. It seems, much to my disliking, that the horror genre has regressed and is danger of returning to place of insignificance within the critical film world.

In this posting I will be exploring the changing face of horror, both literally and figuratively, by comparing John Carpenters 1978 film, Halloween to its remake, Rob Zombie’s 2007 Halloween. I will attempt to explain how the 1978 film is, in both theory and practice, an affective piece of filmmaking while the 2007 version has fallen into the same trap that most post-modernist films stumble upon and that the knowledge and deconstruction of the original text has drastically changed the meaning of the new text and therefore has become an ineffective piece of filmmaking. It is my contention that Halloween (2007) failed in its attempt to horrify audiences due to its self-conscience approach to the new text.

In October of 1978 a new kind of evil was born. Pure evil. “The Shape”, more commonly referred to as Michael Myers is the masked stalker and arguably the star of John Carpenters horror classic Halloween. Carpenter envisioned a monster that had no purpose, other than to be evil. “The Shape”, as he saw it, was the physically embodiment of evil, darkness, The Devil himself (Muir, 79). Halloween struck a cord with its audience and can’t be dismissed as purely a teenage “slasher” film. In 2007 Rob Zombie, a musician and horror enthusiast turned director followed up his filmmaking debut of House of 1,000 corpses (2003) and The Devils Rejects (2005) and attempted to re-create and re-imagine Halloween, a series that had become laughable to most viewers after spawning 8 sequels spanning three decades.

While Carpenters original film employs conventional genre tactics it’s his use of camera movement, careful camera placement, and his eerie original score that helped to create an atmosphere of suspense. In complete opposition to the original, Zombies “re-imagination” of the film gives us all the answers to the questions that made the original such a haunting experience, while neglecting the deliberate construction of the mis-en-scene that made the original so magical.

The first example of this can be seen when comparing the opening scenes of both pictures. In the 1978 version the credits roll over the theme music composed by John Carpenter himself and sets the melo-dramatic mood for the film. We descend upon the suburban town of Haddonfield, IL on Halloween night, 1963. We are presented with a point-of-view shot (POV) via a hand-held camera of someone watching a teenage boy and girl kissing on a couch and then ascending to the second floor, seemingly to engage in what can only be interpreted as some form of sexual act. As an upstairs light is turned off, a piercing piano riff fills our ears.

As we follow the POV shot a hand reaches into a kitchen drawer and pulls out a large butcher knife and soon after puts on a clown mask left behind by the teenagers. As we follow the character up the stairs and into the bedroom we see, through the eyes of a clown mask, a knife appearing and disappearing in a stabbing motion, however, we never see the actual piercing of the flesh, leaving the real horror to the imagination. After the victim expires, we continue with a POV shot down the stairs and into the front yard where we initially started the scene. The camera finally shows us the face of the killer; an 8 year old Michael Myers. A crane shot closes the scene as it pulls away from the quite suburban home.

In contrast, the 2007 version opens with a much different agenda in mind. We are presented with a quote from Dr. Samuel Loomis who was established in the original film as Michael Myers’ failed psychologist. The quote reads “The darkest souls are not those which choose to exist within the hell of the abyss, but those which choose to break free from the abyss and move silently among us”. The title card slams in and rock music swells over a crane shot of an unkempt suburban home. We cut to an extreme close-up of a rat in a cage and a young boy, presumably Michael Myers and later identified as such, in a clown mask looking over the rat. We then cut to the Myers family preparing breakfast in the kitchen. In this scene we are presented with a vulgar and highly dysfunctional family. The mother is established as a stripper, the sister, a foul-mouthed scantily clad teenager, and (presumably) the stepfather who is presented as less than human as he makes fun of Michael and questioning the young boy’s manhood in front of his mother. We then cut to Michael, still wearing the clown mask, washing the blood from his hands after killing his pet rat. Later at breakfast, the stepfather threatens a young Michael with physical violence.

Comparing the opening scenes in each movie offers us a considerable amount of insight into how we interpret the horror genre and what constitutes as horror in the new millennium. Lets first try to understand the opening scenes of the 2007 version.

First, we open with a quote from a fictional character that plays an integral role in the film we are about to view. In essence, it’s fiction commenting on fiction, something that can only really be understood with an understanding of the original 1978 film. While assuming that the audience is fully aware of whom Dr. Loomis is we must also assume that the audience is aware of who Michael Myers is and what he represents. Moving forward we are presented with a dysfunctional look at the Myers household. The Myers family can be summed up by as the stereotypical “white-trash” or “trailer-trash” family that has become a common archetype in American culture. Everyone in the family has some kind of identifiable problem that presents them as inferior to the audience. The Stepfather is a vulgar, unemployed, middle-aged man with no respect for anything. The Mother is a stripper, an occupation that is generally looked down upon, and the sister is the archetypal unruly teen. They live in a filthy home, lead stereotypically filthy lives and in general do filthy things. Young Michael, in essence, is a rat trapped in a cage. This portrayal is in direct opposition with the family that is portrayed briefly in the 1978 film.

In the 1978 version, at the end of the opening scene, we see Michael’s parents, presumably driving a new vehicle returning to their well-kempt home after presumably attending some kind of social function. This portrayal of the family would generally fit into the “normal” standards of 1978’s culture and equally in 2007’s culture. This raises a question as to why Zombie would decide to present us with a completely different world 29 years later.

Let me digress for a moment. Generally speaking, movies tend to tap into cultural fears of the time in which it was made. Most notably this is seen within the Sci-Fi genre, with remakes of movies like War of the Worlds (Spielberg, 2005) and The Day the Earth Stood Still (Derrickson, 2008) updating their general themes to reflect the modern problems society faces today. Horror, however, seems to be updating their remakes with a much different rational in mind. They assume once again that the audience is familiar with the original text and it seems that the re-make becomes not a remake or “re-boot” per-se, but an explanation or a defense against the original text, possibly do to our post-Columbine anxieties. During my critical analysis of Halloween 2007, this fact became painfully obvious.

Zombie presents Michael Myers as the victim in his remake. It seems that Zombie is encouraging us to sympathize with the killer, and how can we not? In the re-make, the Myers family, as noted earlier, is the archetypal dysfunctional family. We are left to assume that Michael has an overall unhealthy view of the world. As a result he decides to hide behind a mask and kill rats and neighborhood cats. All these action are justifiable based on his environment. During the first act, he is bullied at school, and later, gets his revenge by beating the bully to death with a tree branch on his way home from school. Given the events preceding this action it is obvious why this child is acting out the way he is. Which begs the question, what is the desired response the filmmaker is attempting to elicit from the audience? Is this a call to action in order to initiate better parenting? Let it be noted, the set-up of the original film presents us with a problem and no answers, little Michael is a killer, and there is no obvious reason why. The re-make presents us with all the answers to the problems we already knew, or imagined existed, a prime example of self-conscience filmmaking.

In The Films of John Carpenter, Muir notes that some critics “persist in seeing the film (Halloween, 1978) as a despicable, albeit stylish, exercise in horror because of Carpenter’s adoption of the point-of-view, subjective camera”. He goes on to say that “ the long-held argument insists that this technique puts the audience in the position of (being) Michael Myers…some critics consider this a bad thing, claiming that is causes one to identify with the violence and even become numb to it”. Carpenter, with the initial point of view shot of Michael put the audience in the position of the killer, allowing us to sympathize with him once we realize it is not the brute stalker we are expecting, but a young boy. However, without a critical analysis of the scene, I would assume that most viewers are unaware that the felt any sympathy towards the killer. Zombie, however, makes us undeniably aware that we are supposed to sympathize with him. He is asking you to sympathize with Michael, pleading with you. Carpenter cleverly makes you sympathize with the killer by figuratively putting the knife in your hands with his POV shot, but in contrast he then spends the rest of the movie explaining to you and showing you why you shouldn’t sympathize with Myers through Dr. Loomis’ constant warnings of what Michael Myers is; pure evil

Suspense also seems to be missing from the remake. When making the choice to see a horror film, you intuitively know what to expect, you have been conditioned, either by the filmmaker in the set-up or by watching other horror films. Through music, in Halloween (1978), we know something bad will happen but we are unaware of where, when, and how. When we are presented with the answers, we are satisfied, because we were right, and while the remake may give you the same feeling because of the texts that precede it, I would argue that it fails at something far more important; making you care about the victims. Those killed in the original are not bad people (or canine’s). Halloween takes place in the comfort and security of a suburban town, Anywhere, USA and its victims are the everyday-teenager. It has been argued by critics that Carpenters message was that “bad” teens would die (all the teens that are killed in the original after being “irresponsible”) except for Laurie Strode, played by Jamie Lee Curtis, an innocent teen. In the remake, everyone who dies is associated in some way with bad people, either directly or indirectly, and even Laurie, (who in the remake is identified as Michael’s sister while in the original this isn’t brought to light until Halloween II, 1980 in order to reap financial benefits ) in the remake is not portrayed as the sweet and innocent girl that Carpenter depicts. He gives Michael a purpose and a reason for everything he does. In the original, he just wanted to kill.

Suspense is also lost with Zombie’s camera use. Carpenter, as stated earlier, only employs the POV shot in the opening scene for a specific purpose, and uses long sweeping shots (and subtle everyday dialog) to establish the scene and his characters. Zombie, however, uses generic camera techniques like the extreme close up shots and choppy “MTV style” editing approach which changes the whole dynamic of “Halloween”, as the remake comes across as more of a Michael Myers bio-pic than a horror film. Instead of setting up the scene and carefully showing you in the beginning of the film things that will come into play during the climax i.e. the long empty streets of Haddonfield and the distance between homes, the stalking voyeur that is Michael Myers, like Carpenter does, Zombie’s only goal is to set up the justified killing by a monster with clear motives. There is far less a sense of discovery and fear in the re-make. One of the biggest differences between an average filmmaker and a great filmmaker is their ability to make you feel and think what they want you to feel and think without you ever realizing that you are being totally manipulated. Carpenter is able to do this through his subtle use of the camera and music, while Zombie’s intentions are painfully obvious from the jump.

Yet another major difference between these two films and generally speaking, in recent horror movies, is the literal changing face of the monster. Horror stories are specific in their structure; the fear of the unknown, discovery, transformation, proof that the “other” exists, and so on. Carpenter is much more concerned with the classical structure. Michael is seen lurking in dark corners, his face hidden, a voyeur plotting his next victims demise. His face is only seen as a young boys face, and barley shown in the shadows for about a total of 4 seconds as an adult, where we are tricked into believing this is a normal human that can be defeated. Carpenter in fact, does his best to hide the William Shattner mask that serves as Michael’s face and is never explained in depth as to what purpose it serves. Zombie, and the new age of horror, is far more concerned with the justification of the killer. The star of the show is no longer the “final girl” as it seems to have been in the late 70’s and early 80’s, but the killer. Not only does the killer now receive more back-story and attention to the questions of why he or she is the killer, but they receive ample “face-time” as well, thus, taking away from the actual shock and climatic feeling in the third act.

In 2007’s Halloween, Myers goes from being an average twenty something man that he was in the original, to a beast, an unusual specimen to say the least. The original Michael Myers was all of 6 feet 180 lbs, seemingly very average, but yet he could not be killed. In the remake, Zombie cast Tayler Mane, a former professional wrestler who stands an astonishing 6 feet 9 inches and weighs over 275 lbs. For Zombie, and this re-imagination, the new face of horror seems to be a “bigger, stronger, faster” mentality suggesting that an average man could not be feared any longer and that society somehow plays an intrical role in creating monsters like Michael Myers.

Recent filmmakers, based on my understanding of the horror genre have missed the point of horror all together. It can be assumed that in a post-Columbine world there is a great deal of fear surrounding the questions as to why someone chooses to maim, rape, and kill. The ultimate horror, however, will always remain in what cannot be explained, what is unknown. Hopefully, for the sake of horror and filmgoers, this trend will fade and we will make a conscience shift back to a time when horror films were actually terrifying.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Shutter Island - "Valuable things have a way of being misunderstood"...



I was scared before I ever stepped foot into the theatre to see Shutter Island, the latest endeavor from one of the most recognizable directors of the last 40 years, Martin Scorsese.

I wasn’t scared that Shutter Island would move my bowels, but rather churn my stomach.

You see, Shutter Islands release date was pushed back several months due to the “economic downturn”, according to Paramount. This led me to believe that the film would prove to be less than good. With an $80 million budget for the film and at least $60 million budgeted for marketing was Paramount just hoping to delay a huge Scorsese flop following his well deserved Academy award winning best picture, 2006’s The Departed?

Shutter Island stars Leonardo Dicaprio as U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels. Teddy and his partner, Chuck, played by Mark Ruffalo, (one of the more underrated actors of the past 10 years) are sent to a remote island off the coast of Massachusetts that houses some of the most violent and insane inmates, err, patients. Strange things are afoot on Shutter Island and Teddy is dead set on getting to the bottom of it.

There are several storylines to follow here;
1) the missing patient who seems to have “evaporated straight through the walls”,

2) the real motivation for his deceitful decent upon the island, Andrew Ladise, an inmate that changed Teddy’s life forever, thus raising the stakes of the film, and

3) inmate 67. Is inmate 67 Ladise? Does inmate 67 exist? Is there a connection between Ladise and Ted Daniels? There is a lot to be explored here.

The first act of the film was a bit much for me to stomach, I will admit. The score is overbearing, the dialog, on the nose, and the mood, well, Scorsese is a master at his craft and I felt like he wasn’t trusting us to understand what he was setting up, which I was taking personally, but you don’t give up on Scorsese. At 2 hours and 18 minutes it was a lot to endure, especially some of the more ridiculous moments that seemed even more dubious given the climax, but I digress.

Consequentialism dear Watson, consequentialism. Here, more than any other film I’ve seen in the recent past, the ends most certainly justify the means. In the true Aristotelian understanding, what I experienced in the theatre, along with the sold out crowd was a catharsis. I could see the ending coming, or at least had my suspicions from early on, but when push came to shove, I didn’t care. The climax was handled delicately. It wasn’t rushed, pulling us in and allowing us to live in the moment rather than feeling removed from it. Bravo.

Today, I feel like I told a really offensive joke to a group of people who, rather than laughing, asked me to leave. I had my doubts, sheepishly I admit, I was wrong about Shutter Island.

My Vote: It’s no gangster flick, but even Henry Hill could see the value in Scorseses’ understanding of plot and tone and how they can make or break the movie-going experience.

Monday, January 25, 2010

LEGION: God isn't the only one tired of the bullshit.


There’s nothing more frustrating than watching a movie that’s unsure of its self.

You know when the hottest girl in the room starts complaining about how she looks fat or ugly and you find your eyes rolling into the back of your head rather focuses on her assets, wishing, praying she will just shut her mouth?

Well, all I wanted was for everyone in Legion to shut the hell up.

The apocalypse, no matter how many times it has been done, will always attract an audience. The end of the world and the realization of our own deaths have been on our minds since the dawn of man. Legion could have been rich with imagery and themes and should have tapped right into our curiosity about the apocalypse but just ends up flapping its gums about a whole lot of nothing.

Legion has a recognizable cast that includes Dennis Quad (you remember Innerespace 1987, right!?), Lucas Black (Friday Night Lights, Fast and Furious; Tokyo Drift), Adrianne Palicki (NBC’s Friday Night Lights), and Paul Bettany (Wimbledon) but unfortunately for them the dialog makes their performances laughable.

Held up in a run down Mojave Dessert truck stop, the fallen angel Michael must protect an unborn child from the wrath of God. The opening sequence of Legion is promising but it doesn’t take long before Scott Stewart, the director, decided that the old adage “show don’t tell” was something he didn’t believe in.

Legion wasn’t all bad, there were some interesting ideas and special effects, most of which you can catch in the trailer. There was an effect lifted right out of Jacobs Ladder (Tim Robbins, 1990) that proved how unimaginative and flat Legion really was. I would have liked to see them take the movie in one direction and stick with it instead of trying to incorporate an ensemble cast to represent every marketing demographic they could think of.

The world almost ended, but I was too busy sending texts on my new Droid to really notice.

My Vote: M16 shells pinging on the pavement and dreary dialog doesn’t mean you made a movie…


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

AVATAR


For the past year and a half I have been going to see at least one newly released movie a week. Last February I decided to begin writing some of my thoughts down about the movies I was seeing and I Hate Movie Reviews blew up.

With millions now in the bank I needed a few months to figure out what my game plan for the future would be. During this time I took a class that focused about 50% of its attention on the Science Fiction genre. Over the past 4 months I have probably seen 17 or 18 Sci-Fi movies, sometimes viewing the same films several times. I ended up focusing a lot of my attention to James Cameron. I have viewed Terminator (1982) Aliens (1986) The Abyss (1989) and Terminator 2; Judgment Day (1991) at least once in the past 4 weeks, watching T2 three times as it was the focus of my final paper. All these films were directed by Cameron*.

During this time I have;
1. Not had the chance to see a movie in a theatre in 6 weeks
2. Read a copious amount of Science Fiction related essays and film criticisms and
3. Seen a ton of science fiction flicks all while trying to break them down while watching them.

Then I went to go see a movie called Avatar, Directed by James Cameron.

You probably did too.

If you haven’t, you’re planning on it.

And if it’s not on your radar during this Holiday season, then, well, I’m speechless.

I am not a Sci-Fi geek. I’m some other kind of geek… but I’m not a Star-Wars or Star-Trek or Lord of the Rings or anything else that’s geeky like that geek. I’m a good writing, solid stories and characters kinda geek. I hate CGI. I like the look of The Graduate. I think the mumblecore movement is cool.

So, with all this being said I would have to say that Avatar is a spectacle...and nothing less. For me, the experience of watching Avatar 3-D was the single most impressive theatre experience I have ever had. I felt like I was on a ride at Disneyland. I’d like to think this was how Cameron intended me to feel.

I have heard, read, and considered the critiques of the film that can mostly be summed up as a weak script with silly dialog and a predictable timeline of events.

Well, yeah…but so what?

I put up with the dialog that spoke to the 10 year olds seeing this movie because I knew in a few minutes I would stare in awe at the screen as I watched Jake Sully speak or one of those panther things that’s got 6 of the meanest looking legs I have ever seen run around and jump off of shit. It was nothing short of amazing. It was like Cameron took a little bit of something from every Sci-Fi flick I had just watched and put his own twist on it and made it better. And isn’t that where great shit comes from, other peoples okay shit?

I was excited when I left the theatre in a way I don’t ever think I have been. It’s not everyday you witness something like Avatar. I’m sure this technology will become pedestrian sooner than we think. Avatar “knock-off’s” will spring up in theatres and on the Sci-Fi channel but it will be years before you get the chance to witness technology catch up to such a practiced filmmakers vision the way Avatar has.

My Vote: Don’t let life get in the way. Escape to Pandora ASAP.

*Unfortunately, some of his other films like Piranha II: The Spawning (1981), True Lies (1994) or Titanic (1997) didn’t quite fall into the Sci-Fi category.

Monday, November 23, 2009

New Web Site Coming Soon/quick reviews

Hello Everyone-

Thanks for checking out I Hate Movie Reviews. We are building a new website at ihatemoviereviews.com and working on a new PODCAST for your listening pleasure. Also, the I Hate Movie Reviews staff is growing to allow for more coverage, new articles, reviews on older movies, and fresh perspectives. Bare with us and look forward to some new things to checkout in January 2010...

Thanks for the support.

Kyle Retter- i hate movie reviews


So...My opinions

Fantastic Mr. Fox...Please go see this.
Christmas Carol ( Jim Carey)... Good, 3-D was pretty amazing.
2012....Please don't waste your time.
The Box...Richard Kelly is an interresting dude...this is his most followable movie, and yes, I just said followable.
This is it...MJ is freakishly weird, but you knew that. Check it out on the big screen.
The House of the Devil...probably will be hard to find until DVD but well worth it. Great throw back to the 80's horror flicks.
Couples Retreat- Unfortunatley its everything you thought it would be...garbage.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Anti-Christ ruined my sex life...by jonny davis


Not to mention my appetite and belief in the good of all people. Anti-Christ is the most shocking and disgusting film that I have ever seen in my life. After it was over I had nothing to say except, “Wow.” I wanted to go home and sleep forever. I called my brother on the phone like I was in some sort of depression, and I still felt a little shaky the next morning. This is not a date movie.

The story is about a woman whose child falls out of a window while she and her husband make love. Her husband, the therapist, turns her into his patient and tries to help her through the grief process. They go to a cabin in the woods that she is most afraid of in order to conquer her fears. Her grief over the child is psychologically connected to her act of sex with her husband. These feelings consume her and turn her into a monster. She blames herself. The beautiful act of love becomes one of punishment and pain, and the husband’s act of love becomes an aggressive one.

This movie is not your typical horror film, because the acts you see are not in any way meant to be exciting, fun, or scary. The images are meant to drag you down emotionally to the place where our two characters are in the story. A horror film is to scare and disgust you to a certain safe point. It’s like a rollercoaster: you can take anything as long as you understand you are strapped in and safe. Lars von Trier does not strap you in. There are images too disturbing to mention in this review and self-castration that is shown in its entirety.

Some of the images were so extreme that they became absurd. It is not unusual to hear laughing out loud among the gasping majority. One particularly amusing moment was when the husband finds a fox in the grass eating itself. This image was horrifying by itself and effective, until the fox opened its mouth and said “Chaos Reigns.” Others were laughing near the end because the wife was slowly devolving into an exaggerated form of the classic “crazy bitch.”

There is so much to be said and so much that can’t be said, that I should just leave it up to you. It’s a well-made film, but it’s a film with a heavy subject and highly esoteric and artistic approach. It definitely did its job as a film, which is to make me feel and experience, but a little too well. Anti-Christ was created by Lars von Trier in a state of extreme depression. Most people, including myself, would say that something like this is too personal to share. I want to feel sad, but I don’t want to feel hopeless after I watch something. Why would you want to put others or yourself through this experience? Proceed with extreme caution. I promise you have never seen anything like this.

Verdict: I will never watch this movie again.

Monday, October 5, 2009

"9" gets a 5...review by jonny davis


When I first saw the preview for “9,” it looked so neat. I’ll be honest and admit that I walked into the theater slightly excited but I found myself waiting for my interest to begin. One lesson I’ve learned is that you can sometimes spend an entire movie waiting for the movie.

“9” is a sci-fi adventure based on Shane Acker’s short film of the same name. This student film caught the eye of Tim Burton and Acker was able to direct a full-length version of his original vision.

The animation, which was my biggest attraction, never let me down. The graphics are really stunning, the story is cool, there are great moments of excitement and the creatures are awesome. However, an unfamiliar emotion was brewing inside of me. As I left the theatre, I felt nothing. As if I had paid for a massage but received only a pat on the back. The feeling I was trying to describe and maybe didn’t want to admit was boredom with a touch of apathy.

The concept is interesting and creative (another initial draw for me). Nine machines are the last “living” beings on earth after humans destroy themselves with their own technology. After activating a long-dead powerful machine, the 9th creation must destroy the evil he has awoken. Post-apocalyptic cautionary tales are always fascinating. So, why had such an aesthetically interesting and conceptually intriguing movie left me nothing at all?

Right off the bat we’re watching a movie that was stretched from a quarter of an hour to just under 80 minutes. It is difficult to fill that time without being repetitive or without contriving some scenes for time’s sake. Action is one reason I feel the film gets a little tedious. There is an attack from the bad guys, then a small victory or loss, the characters talk, and then they fight a different creature.

Another challenge for a movie like this is creating sympathy for characters that are not human. It’s not impossible (i.e. Watership Down, The Secret of Nymh), and the burlap rag-dolls are personified well, they do everything humans do—feel pain, love, live, die—but they still felt empty. It’s hard to feel sympathy for anything when dialogue feels like it was written and delivered by robots.

In my opinion, mediocrity is a sin worse than a total flop. It’s frustrating when a film has the potential to be better. It is also frustrating because this seems like one of the first American attempts to break into the “Adults Only” animation genre, which is influenced by Japanese anime. As an anime and animation fan, I want to see it get its deserved respect from adults, but part of me says America is not ready.

All the elements of a great movie are here, but it missed the mark. No amount of dazzling computer graphics can make this film stand out in our quickly fading memories. Every part and piece is in place, but ironically it lacks the one thing it seeks to find: soul.

Verdict: Check it out on DVD; a worthy attempt, a fun movie, and I hope audiences will stay open to animated features in the future.

by jonny davis/staff writer

A Serious Man....and Updates

Hello Everyone-

Thanks for checking out I Hate Movie Reviews. October is going to be a slow month for us as we are building a new website at ihatemoviereviews.com and working on a new PODCAST for your listening pleasure. Also, the I Hate Movie Reviews staff is growing to allow for more coverage, new articles, reviews on older movies, and fresh perspectives.

Thanks for the support.

Kyle Retter- i hate movie reviews

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

"I'd buy that for a dollar"

YOUTH WITHOUT YOUTH SERIES: ARTICLE #1-ROBOCOP

I’ve been on this late 80’s early 90’s kick lately. I guess I am on some kind of very unfocused journey to figure out what still holds up, if only in my eyes, some 20 years later. I remember them vividly, if only in pieces. These movies I am diving into are typically movies that went over my head but made enough of an impact that I feel some sort of obligation to myself to reevaluate them now. As you will see, these movies tend to be geared towards adults and not 8-year-old boys, hence, youth without youth. These wont be movies that I watched or studied at any point in time (I don’t think) and should be fun for me and hopefully for you all as well.

Lets Begin.

“I’d buy that for a dollar”! Why I remember Murphy.

My first memory of Robocop, aside from the trailers, was my mother telling me that I could never see this movie. Bad move Mom; of course it was the only movie I wanted to see after she said this. Eventually, I managed to secure a VHS copy of Robocop and watched it with my jaw on the floor. It was pretty heavy then and in a lot of ways, after watching it again the other night, it’s still pretty heavy.

The Plot:

Set in the run down city of Detroit, MI in the near future this movie, if only on the surface, is a typical Sci-fi / action flick. Detroit is being taking over by a large corporation (OCP) who is aspiring to produce robots that will act as or accompany the police force.

In the first scene we see a completely robotic officer go haywire and kill an unsuspecting board member of OCP during a demonstration. Quickly they decide to opt for the more controllable model, one that comes with some human parts.

Enter Murphy and quite possibly the worst first day of work ever. During his first response to a call he is separated from his partner chasing down a bunch of ruthless bank robbers (I don’t say ruthless just cause it sounds good here people, these dudes are RUTHLESS). They blow Murphy to bits with shotguns at close range. OCP decides to turn Murphy into Robocop.

The people love him, then they hate him, the Police Officers go on strike, Murphy….errrr….. Robocop saves the day. Churn out 2 sequels, a TV series, a cartoon series, comic books and action figures.

Job well done.

So why do I remember Murphy?

Robocop could have been just another robot movie. There are plenty of them out there. Some, changed movies forever (Terminator 2: Judgment Day) while others just wasted our time. There is something special about a movie like Robocop, so lets explore.

Set Design/Wardrobe. Downtown Dallas Texas. The newly constructed futuristic looking buildings were the perfect backdrops for the future. The neon lights stuck to everything let us know its not 1987, but somehow remind us it was made in 1987.

The police officers look like a polished version of something out of Star Wars. Familiar and futuristic without going over the top. Spot on.

Social Commentary. Lots of movies attempt to comment on the current state of the world. Sci-Fi movies exist for this very purpose. The commercials for cars and the news channels in Robocop are a telling sign of things to come and they help to sprinkle in some comedy against the harsh backdrop of….

Gore. This movie is pretty gnarly, even by today’s standards. Don’t get me wrong, the effects aren’t great, this is a low budget movie, however, when shots are fired slugs are ripping through flesh and they do their best to show you the affects of it. Score.

Delivery. I would never consider Robocop to be groundbreaking but it did successfully combine and improve many elements from other movies that gave it a very unique feeling.

The build up to Robocop being unveiled is well constructed. Like a horror movie’s monster, our curiosity is at its peak when we finally get to see the newly constructed Murphy up close and personal, and he is pretty impressive, even by today’s standards.

In closing

I think part of the thing I appreciated about movies made before CGI became a cost effective alternative was the production value of a movie (think about Back to the Future II). While there are times when things in Robocop look pretty low budget but they are working with what they got. Robocop himself looks pretty legit, albeit there are a few moments when it is painstakingly obvious that it is a costume pieced together. More often than not it looks freakin’ awesome.

My Vote: If you haven’t seen this movie, you need to. If you have, it’s been too long, head to best buy and plop down your hard earned $12 on this instead of Transformers.