The Purge (DVD Review)

Fool me twice...
Home invaders wearing creepy masks. Survival of the fittest. Apocalyptic future. Chaos. I should have known it was too good to be true. 

A movie like this doesn't need to make sense, per se, but it needs to push the limits, and an attempt at a story with some underlying meaning or political agenda wouldn't hurt. They've accomplished this before, however, the only thing "The Purge" pushed, was my patience.

Ethan Hawk stars as the savvy (I guess) home security salesmen James Sandin. We meet him just hours before the start of the annual purge, a 12 hour window where all bets are off. 

Steal.

Rape.

Kill. 

Anything goes. 

The idea being this annual purge cleanses the human soul of it's hate, among other inherent evils, and as a result, unemployment and crime is at an all-time low in the US. 

Okay. Fine. I'll believe that. What I won't let go is how completely moronic everyone under Mr Sandins' roof turns out to be. Does the annual purge also cleanse you of common sense? Now, don't get me wrong, sensibility certainly takes a back seat in horror films, and more specifically in slasher films, which I love, but I'd categorize "The Purge" under thrillers, and there are just too many non-sensical moments here to make "The Purge" watchable. 

A glaring misstep in this whole ordeal was the utter lack of control Mr. Sandin and his wife, played by Lena Heady, have over their two children. There's lots of talk about the "sissification" of the next generation of adults, but under the circumstances this family is faced with, well, no Mother/Father team would act like this duo.  

And these security systems that Mr. Sandin sells? Don't get me started about his explanation of the product that has brought him his fortune. 

The premise of "The Purge" is an idea someone could really sink their teeth into, but the continuation of that idea to its end results in a movie no one should even bother smelling. 

Shame on me... for thinking they could take a good idea and turn it into a watchable movie.

On a good note: "The Purge" comes in under 90 min.

A more thrilling movie with a similar set up: The Strangers (2008)

The Source Moon...I mean Code

I saw The Source Code today, in an empty theatre… for $4. It’s weird, if there were a $4 theatre showing current movies in LA, you couldn’t get a ticket. In Cleveland, well, the theatre may start sending a car to my door.

I was chatting with my sister at home after the film describing it for her and I said something to the affect of, “Well, did you see Moon with Sam Rockwell? It was kinda like Moon, but on a train”. She quickly responded, “Didn’t the guy who directed Moon make The Source Code?

(I guess I’m not much of a film buff).

She was indeed correct…but so was I. Duncan Jones (who also happens to be David Bowies son) directed both The Source Code (2011) and Moon (2009). To say that The Source Code is “Moon on a train” is in no way a detriment to either film. While its unfortunate that Moon fell under the radar it doesn’t seem The Source Code has had the same fate, and for good reason. Where Moon may have lacked in appeal to a wide audience, not because it wasn’t an excellent film, but because it was small, ($5 million) it was British, it was a first time director, and it was a film that was meant to be watched as opposed to experienced, The Source Code makes up for it in tenacity, relevance, and, dare I say, sexiness?

The plot puts Jake Gyllenhaal on the Chicago Commuter Rail on an early spring morning. The train explodes, thanks to a terrorists bomb, but instead of being thrust into the afterlife, Sean, as he’s known on the train, and Captain Colter Stevens as he’s know elsewhere, is thrust back into a spaceship? A helicopter? Another dimension?  One thing is clear, his mission: find the bomber and prevent the next terrorist attack. The catch, he only has 8 minute periods of time, to go back into time, before the backlogged time catches up with real time, cause well, you know, that’s how the source code works.

Some of the logic behind The Source Code is a little tricky, but what movie doesn’t have tricky logic? Hindsight is 20/20 as they say, but you shouldn’t let that bother you too much here. The Source Code was enjoyable, moved along at a swift pace, possesses an undeniable likeability between the two stars, and as any good film will do, leaves you wondering…”what if”?

And you should rent "Moon".

Eggshelland: The Movie

Eggshelland. A lyndhurst, Oh staple. Showing at Chagrin Cinemas from April 22th-28th, 2011.

The Whole Bloody Affair

Tyler Stout

I had to steal this poster from www.slashfilm.com and Tyler Stout. Goes on sale tomorrow...for fifty smackers.

Enjoy the Skidmarks

The 35th Annual Cleveland International Film Festival Presents:

“In California, an audience watches a tire through binoculars. The tire is named Robert and has come to life. The tire eventually starts going on a killing spree”.

This simple plot synopsis given to the “French” film titled Rubber, sums it all up. (I put French in quotations cause I’m really not sure why the fact that this film is French needed to be mentioned, considering Rubber was set and filmed in California and contains no French speaking characters, although the leading lady seemed to be French so that must be it. But that really doesn’t make any sense either...)

I’ll be the first to say that Rubber ran out of tread quickly resulting in a nap and a drool at about the 45 minute mark. 

To be fair I was pretty tired. 

Despite my timeout, or maybe because of it, I quite enjoyed this work of art. While 85 minutes is a stretch for any movie where the trailer is just about as satisfying as the film itself, I’m sure that Quentin Dupieux was only leaving room for the crowd to simmer down between witty retorts and the possible hurling of old rubber tire treads at the screen. I’d have to bet that actually viewing the movie through binoculars would be hard on the eyes for the entire show, so he wanted to break it up.

When you set out to make a "cult film", and I’m not saying those were his intentions, although it’s a hard point to argue against, you run the risk of being utterly boring and alienating your audience, which he indeed succeeded at gracefully. Rubber, however boring I found it for 5-10 minutes was actually very fun, clever, and dare I say, refreshing. I had to smile, however slightly, at the way it thumbed its nose at Hollywood and fanboys/critics alike. 

This movie isn’t for everyone. In fact, it’s not for most. But if you get a kick out of the thought of a pitch meeting starting “ It’s about a tire who uses his telekinetic powers to explode things, like human heads”... well, now I’m just preaching to the choir.  

*Any movie can really be a "Cult Film" but 7 times out of 10 they are pretty bad movies that have a very specific audience base for one reason or another. Usually, the films depicts some kind of sub-culture or contain some kind of seemingly taboo element. It also needs to have some pretty memorable lines or characters and needs to fall under the radar of mainstream movies...although several big name/budget directors could be looked at as having a cult following, like The Coen Brothers.
Cult Film Examples.
Troll 2
The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Reefer Madness
This is Spinal Tap
Re-Animator
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
The Toxic Avenger (My favorite)
UHF
Donnie Darko
Kung Fu movies
Any horror movie
Anything Directed by: David Lynch, John Waters, or Ed Wood

Adjust This

It’s been close to a year since I flexed my over critical writing muscles. As I embark on a huge project I felt it was time to re examine a past time I hate so much; movie reviews. At least it’s a little more productive form of procrastination than sleeping.

Let us get to it...

Studios are going to do whatever they can to get you into the theatre. Tests show* movie goers want to be able to predict what the movie they are considering seeing is going to be about with the ending often being the most satisfying prediction. I want to know as little as possible going in to a movie. What fun is seeing a movie for the first time if you know the beginning, middle, and end in advance**? I’d seen the trailer for The Adjustment Bureau and even though this looked like an Inception rip off, I genuinely like Matt Damon so decided to give it a go. 

My knowledge of the existence of movies other than The Adjustment Bureau may have affected my perception of The Adjustment Bureau.

Great, so now I'm the bad guy.

 I guess there might be two fields of thought.
1) Screw what you THINK the movie is about, check that at the door and watch the movie that was made.
2) If the trailer shows me an Inception-esque Sci-Fi/Psycological Thriller, that’s what I better get.

While I tend to agree with the first "field of thought" on most projects, I have to say the second one crept its way into my brain about halfway through this film, coincidently, just about the time I started to realize that this wasn't the movie I thought it would be. The Adjustment Bureau would fit nicely into the category of “Romantic Sci-Fi/Thriller”, however, I can’t say I was actually thrilled at any point in time and the "Sci-Fi" was a little more "Fantasy" than anything. So what gives?

Matt Damon and Emily Blunt have good chemistry, they both made me smile and think, “oh, how cute”, in the same way a Romantic comedy might have done, and thats really what this movie wanted to be. The story barley scratches the surface of any of the questions that it purposes that would thrust it into a Sci-Fi/Thriller genre, choosing the easy way out of most of its predicaments, and relies solely on the fact that you think the lead characters are cute and you'd like to see them end up together. Which sounds a little like a.... say it with me....Romantic Comedy.

I know what you must be asking yourself and no, in the end I didn’t care what kind of movie I saw, I just wanted to see a good movie, and this movie was...good enough. Did it meet my expectations? No, but I’m not so self centered to say that I didn’t like a movie because it didn’t meet my expectations.

Wait, yes I am. We all are. That's how most people are going to judge movies. The fun part is when a movie zigs where you think it will zag. This movie just kind of spun its wheels.

In the end I don't really think the movie met the filmmakers expectations either. They made a movie for "everyone" which fell short of reaching anyone. I feel duped again. I guess I get a tid-bit frustrated when a movie studio gets its audience into the theatre based on their understanding of how we will view the trailer, then doesn't have faith in its audiences movie I.Q. to dig deeper into the characters or the plot and delivers a film that isn't quite what it promised.

You say it's not the studios fault that I expected something that wasn't there? I guess I'll just blame myself for watching the trailer and seeing too many movies.

I see a film like this I can only imagine what a parent must feel like when their child, totally capable of contributing something new and interesting or great and meaningful to the world opts to contribute something arbitrary and meaningless to the world…like movie reviews.

And I've just gone cross-eyed.

*I may be making this up.

** Okay, so most of us know all those things regardless.

That's all folks....well, for now at least.

Thank you so much for the support and encouraging words everyone gave over the past year and a half. I Hate Movie Reviews is taking a sabbatical to explore the idea of making their own videos, web-series, and movies after bashing all the fine filmmakers they bashed. Isn't that all any movie reviewer really wants to do anyways?

Feel free to offer up comments , start discussions, or post reviews of your own. I'll be sure to comment.

Live long and prosper. And watch good movies.

Pulp Freddy

Growing up in the 80’s, there was no other horror figure anyone talked about more than Freddy Kruger. Every Halloween plastic knives on a ratty brown glove and cheap, burnt flesh masks were all the rage. When I was finally introduced to Freddy on VHS, there was something unforgettable about him, something special.

Unforgettable is a word I don’t find myself using when referring to recent horror films. Have you been paying attention to horror films lately? They suck. They are totally forgettable. Final Destination 4? Saw V? The Collector? Come on. The best horror movie that anyone watched in the past year was Paranormal Activity, and while it was good, it has come and gone. (In reality, the best horror movie from last year was The House of The Devil, but I’m sure few of you have heard of it, let alone seen it)

The new nightmare is a stylized update of the 1984 classic, and you know what, it couldn’t hold Wes Craven’s jockstrap. They set out to make the update “darker” than the original, which they accomplished. But darker doesn’t mean the same thing as scary.

So, what’s up with horror?

The original might look old, cheesy, perhaps even fake to young eyes. Then how is it that  current horror movies look considerably more fake to my eyes then the horror movies of the 70’s and 80’s? I’m sure not the first to say it, but more importantly, I hope I’m not the last...

...CGI is killing the horror movie.

Where is the mystery in CGI anymore? A prime example of poor use of CGI is a scene that appears in both the 1984 and the 2010 A Nightmare on Elm St. Asleep in her bed, Nancy is woken up as Freddy seems to liquefy the wall above her bed trying to break through. She wakes up, knocks on the wall, and goes back to sleep. The 1984 version was a special effect. A little bit of “movie magic” if you will. How’d they do that? It looked so real... It was real.  

In the new version they use CGI for the same exact scene. Blah, how boring. We know how you did it, and more importantly, we know it's fake. In Wes Craven’s original, he used special effects, make-up, and lighting, cuts, close-up's, and the audiences' fears to create a modern masterpiece. His story was fresh and original (remember those two things?). He made a real horror movie. The update just gives us an exercise in computer animation, and who need’s that?

I miss the good old days of horror movies. Movies that stayed with you even days after you watched them. Movies that disturbed you because they looked so real. Movies that made you wonder if they were real. Movie’s where exploding body parts were, in fact, a tangible thing that exploded in front of the camera rather then codes that existed on a hard drive somewhere. The problem is people making horror movies these days lack an understanding of where fear comes from. Their answer to everything is “we’ll fix it in post”.

There is no greater computer than our minds, where fear originates. 


A Nightmare on Elm Street, (2010) is a mediocre horror movie at best, put it up against something like The Collector,  it takes the cake. But for now, the bar was set 20, 30 years ago, the classics still reign supreme.

My Vote: I think Freddy is finally dead. No more new nightmares, just reoccurring one’s. Thanks CGI.

The (Harmless) Losers

Another week, another comic book-turned action movie showdown. Kick-Ass caught me off guard last week with its smart genre bending story and the tenacity with which it delivered its satire. I knew I was taking it down a notch for a PG-13 flick, so it was a little adjustment, but I settled in nicely.

“The Losers” are a Special Forces unit, created by DC Comics in the late 60’s, who are betrayed and left for dead. We join them as fugitives stuck in Bolivia... or Costa Rica... or some place like that. They gotta get the bad guy, but to do that - they gotta get that thing, to get that money, so they can save the world... or something like that.

The Losers, as you should infer, is all about “the losers”; Clay, Roque, Pooch, Cougar, and Jake. They've had a long 3^rd world-drug-lord-taking-down history together. They're the quintessential group of military buddies.  Either you’re into that kind of thing, or you’re not. 

This thought prompted me to establish a list of criteria that you must commit to if you want to enjoy this movie.

 #1. You must love ensemble buddy movies.

#2. You must not hold the one-liners against any of said Losers… “Pay back is a bitch”.

#3. You must enjoy cheap set-ups and pay-offs.

#4. You must not get mad at being able to predict just about everything that happens-        Scene for scene, line for line.

#5. You must LOVE the villain - a.k.a. the best character in the movie.

Commit to all 5 of these agreements and you'll walk out of The Losers happy to be alive.

Don't get me wrong.
If there is a sequel, which there will be, I will not see it. 
If someone asks me if they should see this movie, I  will not necessarily umm, "recommend" it. 
But, The Losers is a harmless movie. It’s not claiming to be anything it isn't and I can respect that. A "B-movie" passing as an "A". A choose your own adventure book without the choice.


Don't stop believing.

My Vote: If you have a pre-teen nephew or son or little brother, you’d be the coolest if you took him to see The Losers.

On a side note: My prediction is The Losers is about as good as The Expendables will be, which would be rather…..

The 100 Cheesiest Movie Quotes of All Time

Kick-Ass isn't just a clever title...

After the trailer for Kick-Ass repeatedly made it look like a “Spy Kids” take on comic books I was ready to pass over the cheesy dialog, the warm fuzzy messages about being yourself, and all the truth and justice bullshit for a chance at some comedy down the hall at Death at a Funeral. 

For the most part, I don’t like comic book movies. I’ve never read a comic book cover to cover in my life. The Dark Knight got boring. Watchman was over-rated. 

But something deep within my soul was pulling me towards Kick-Ass. I mean, think of all the jokes I could make about this movie and all the cheese-dicks in the audience. 

I realized quickly that Kick-Ass wasn’t here to mess around. Have you ever heard an 11-year old girl call someone a “cunt”? How bout seen a man cooked in a microwave? And they say Tarantino brings too much violence to the table. Kick-Ass was like Kill Bill for comic book kids… but this movie ain’t for no little kiddies. 

Balls to the wall, campy, ridiculous, unbelievable at times….but so much fun. Violent, obscene, make your mother wonder what kind of kid she raised-fun.

Kick-Ass is adapted from the comic book of the same name created by Mark Millar (even I know that name). It’s about an ordinary kid who decides to become a super hero. No special powers, no million-dollar gadgets. He gets himself a wet suit, practices some lines in the mirror, and POW!-BAM!-ZOOM!, he’s “Kick-Ass”. Nicholas Cage plays “Big Daddy”, a Batman type vigilante with his daughter, “Hit Girl”, played by Chloe Grace Moretz, following closely behind in daddy’s footsteps. Of course there’s a ruthless drug dealing bad guy standing in everybody’s way with absolutely no problem punching a little girl in the mouth... repeatedly. 

I’m not going to get into any of the plot points, it’s too much fun for you to discover on your own. Literally, at times, Kick-Ass had me at the edge of my seat, having no idea what was going to happen next. In a movie like this, I can ask for nothing more.

Kick-Ass is a well-directed movie with action scenes that flow, music that will make your palms sweaty, and it’s funny. Maybe not laugh out loud, quote for weeks funny, but I had a smile on my face more than I didn’t. If you let this movie take you for a ride you’ll be ready to get off by the end, but you’ll be happy you got on board.

My Vote: Surprisingly smart and refreshing. A must see movie for sure.

Getting whacked off on Date Night is never a good thing... or is it?

Phil and Claire Foster, played by Steve Carell and Tina Fey, might be having a good time as they make fun of other people, but they are going through the motions of date night, going through the motions of their marriage. Watching other couples split apart is putting the pressure on the both of them to spice things up before they end up like everyone else.

In a desperate move to liven up their normal Friday night activities, the Foster’s pose as another couple, the Tripplehorn’s, to nab a reservation at the hottest seafood restaurant in town bestowing a Hitchcockian case of the wrong man upon the Foster’s and turning them into the most wanted couple in the Big Apple. The Police, the Mob, and Politicians all need something from them, but the Foster’s are having a hard time figuring out exactly what it is.

Date Night is not a good movie, per se, but it sure is a funny one. Carell and Fey team up and turn a story, one that’s about as original as taking your girl out for dinner and a movie on date night, into something people will be talking about. The twist and turns of the plot are a little tired and in the beginning I became worried that the movies minor pitfalls would become major issues and leave me restless. Thankfully Carell and Fey are masters at their craft and saved the over produced, clichéd story from its self.

James Franco and Mila Kunis are hilarious as the real Tripplehorn's. Mark Wahlberg shows off his Marky Mark muscles while Ray Liotta takes a chance at playing a gangster. Common and Jimmi Simpson play the crooked cops after the Tripplehorn’s and Kristen Wigg and Mark Ruffalo show their faces and help set the story in motion as the perfect couple gone bad. Even Bobby Bottle Service shows up to round out one of the most recognizable casts outside of Valentine's Day.

My Vote: You’ll have a good time at this movie, laughing and forgetting about all the things that go on in your routine day-to-day life. Isn't that what "Date Night" is all about?

Clash of the Titans

Sam Worthington is having a pretty great year as far as actors go.

He came out of nowhere last June when we were introduced to him in the sub-par Terminator Salvation as a half-man half-machine saving the world from Skynet alongside of Christian Bale.

Then the entire world saw him as Jake Sully in the groundbreaking Avatar, a half-man half Na’vi, who tames the beast and saves Pandora.

To round out the trifecta Mr. Worthington stretches his acting capabilities to the limit, playing Perseus in Clash of the Titans, a half mortal, half God, who tames Pegasus and is destined to save Argon.

Apparently casting agents see something in him.

So how does Worthington fair in his third attempt to save the world?

Well, let’s not put this all on him.

I wanted to like this movie, I truly did.  However, I did go into the theatre with lowered expectations; I was not confident that it would hold my attention and keep me entertained. It truly didn’t…even with a head start.

The epic journey of Perseus’ quest to save the Princess and exact his revenge on the Gods who so carelessly took his family from him should jump off the page when read and should be a compelling story to watch on the big screen. While the screenplay may have garnered some smiles from studio execs who recalled growing up with the original, the final product had to leave them feeling betrayed.

There were moments during Clash of the Titans were the CGI looked comparable to the stop-motion of the 1981 original (the scorpions in the desert). Liam Neeson as Zeus looked equally tacky, the light shown off his armor in a way that seemed…out of focus. Maybe in theory that was the thing to do, but I just found it…annoying.

Now lets get real, a $70 million budget wasn’t enough to realize this movie as we can realize it with our imaginations. They should have knocked it down to $30 million, used stop-motion animation, and thrown in some more blood or sex among the Gods, at least then it would have had character, it may have been interesting or even risqué.

The set-up of the 2 hour film is trite, followed by cluttered action scenes, expository dialog, more hard to follow action, blah-blah-blah, a lot of walking/riding and a rather lack-luster climax. The whole film builds up to the release of the Kraken but it was no more a spectacle than what I had seen in the trailer.

Aren’t action adventure stories supposed to be fun and suspenseful? I never once thought to myself; “how the hell are they going to get outta this one”? Clash of the Titans was like a really short, bland, Hobbit-less Lord of the Rings trilogy.

At the 15minute mark of the movie the sound cut out for about two seconds. For two seconds I imagined a world were the God’s had had enough with the mortals portraying them with unimaginative CGI tricks and emotionless dialog and abolished all theatergoers to the lobby… for a refund and a voucher for a free popcorn. Then the sound came back on and Sam Worthington said something cliché.

For two seconds, it was like heaven.

My Vote: This could become an 8-year old boys favorite movie…unless he has seen any other action/adventure movie ever made.

Reason... where we’re going, we don’t need reason….

What’s in a movie title? Whether it’s a Drama or a Romantic Comedy the title of a movie can say a lot...and cause you to love it or hate it before you ever step foot into the theatre.


Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure is simply about Bill and Ted’s most excellent adventure, stupid title... or widely ingenious? It’s not metaphorical or thematic. Five words never said so much. Dude Where’s My Car is another title that gets to it’s point rather quickly. Not that there is a point to that movie, but I digress.

So what does a name like Hot Tub Time Machine say? Well, everything.

If you accept that there is a hot tub that doubles as a time machine than you are willing to accept ANYTHING that comes after. If that’s the case, than Hot Tub Time Machine is the funniest movie you will see all year.

Hot tubs have been around for a long time. Cave men sat in Hot Springs. But the purpose, the origin, or the mystery behind the Hot Tub Time Machine is never explained, and thank GOD for that. There is no reason to care why there is a hot tub that takes us to 1986,  it just does. There is no reason to care why any of these guys are at low point in their lives, they just are. We accept everything because of the title.

This movie will never die. You take a huge risk buy giving your movie a title like this, if it doesn’t work out you’re gonna look like an ass…if it does, your a genius.  Hot Tub Time Machine is the funniest, raunchiest guy movie that I’ve seen in a long time and it stayed honest and true to it’s title. Its must have soft and sentimental moments move along quickly and I don’t see these jokes getting any less funny as time goes by.

And any movie that brings my Cleveland Browns to a Super Bowl is okay in my book.

My Vote: Don’t bring your girlfriend; she’ll realize you’re an idiot…


Kyle Retter - I Hate Movie Reviews

Minor League

I was in a pretty good mood when I walked into She’s Out of My league. When I walked out, well…

Jay Buchental stars as Kirk, an awkward, out of shape Pittsburgh airport TSA agent, which, for some reason is a worse job than shoveling shit at the circus. He is pursued by Molly, played by Alice Eve*, a wealthy party planner with a law degree…who is a lot more attractive in her underwear than Kirk is.

It’s a Rom/Com. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl, boy looses girl, boy gets girl back. There is a pretty basic formula for romantic comedies; we all know what is going to happen.

Question: Why do Romantic Comedies keep Hollywood afloat along with Horror movies?

Answer: It’s the characters. It’s how the paint by numbers plot is colored and manipulated that separates a good movie from a bad one.

It’s fair to say they colored inside the lines here, with a very small, bland palate in mind.

Hailed as the “ the funniest movie since The Hangover” and clearly trying to be a “Knocked up and There’s Something about Mary” hybrid, She’s Out of My League manages to be worlds apart from any of those three, and the comparison is an insult of epic proportions. Although they tried and tried, I don’t think I laughed for the first 15 minutes of the movie, it was actually kind of sad.

She’s Out of My League misses the mark by so much, I began to take it personally...I just spent $12 to laugh and someone didn't even care to realize they didn't even have much of a story, let alone a funny one. You’re smart…you'll feel the same way. This movie doesn’t make much sense; it’s unintentionally unintelligent and boring, so much in fact I was almost confused. Why is the weather in Pittsburgh so awesome during Hockey season? Why are these two meant to be together? Why are the obstacles keeping them apart so…weak? Why, why, why…. bother.

There were a few laughs, a couple smiles, but in the end this was just a poor attempt at both Romance and Comedy.

My Vote: If you need to see a loser get the girl, you can do a lot better….see above.

Kyle Retter - I Hate Movie Reviews

*As far as I can tell, Alice Eve is her real name and no, she is not an adult film star, if she was….nevermind.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Sometimes you gotta eat the cheese….

I don’t remember too much of my middle school days besides the fact I was small, wimpy, didn’t play sports, tried to be cool, and my best friend broke my arm…and then laughed about it. Diary of a Wimpy Kid could have been my autobiography….

Greg Heffley has just entered middle school and his mother forces him to create a “journal” to log his trials and tribulations…for when he gets rich and famous and doesn’t have time to answer silly questions. My, oh my how I wish I had one of these now. Not because of all the questions I get asked about my childhood, but so I could laugh at how important middle school was to us at 12 or 13 years old. Never the less, Greg Heffley kept a journal, and it will have to suffice.

I realized, walking out of Wimpy Kid, that the past two movies I’ve seen and reviewed had something very important missing, a central character I could care about. It was refreshing to feel something during a movie besides excited or enchanted (Alice in Wonderland) and bored out of my mind (She’s Out of My League).

I’ll admit, at times I found Greg to be a little bit of a jerk. He throws his best friend under the bus over and over only to seem shocked when the friendship ends. However, his brother is an even bigger jerk, so I sympathized with Greg nonetheless.

For a PG movie I laughed out loud a lot more than I would have predicted. I was proud of Greg and felt bad for him all the while his best friend Rowley kept me in stitches. The series of events are rather exaggerated, but I’m sure that my 7^th grade journal would seem a little exaggerated as well.

Lessons are learned and friendships are made stronger by the end. Most films try to accomplish this very simple task but fail to contain any reason for us to care. Kids are amazing. Sometimes I think they are here more for adults benefit than the other way around. Sweet, funny, and to the point, I wish I saw more movies like this on a regular basis.

My Vote: Superbad for a 10 year old.

Kyle Retter

Ihatemoviereviews.blogspot.com

Alice in Underland?

The usual suspects come together for another trip down the rabbit hole, this time, through Tim Burton’s gothic eye. The Lewis Carol books ( Alice’s Adventure through Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass ) have been adapted for the screen as many times as Beatles songs have been covered by undeserving bands. 

Okay, maybe not that many, but enough. 

The familiar story combines the two books’ characters and follows a young girl, Alice, as she falls down a rabbit hole where she encounters a curious cast of eccentric friends and foes  before waking up from her strange dream and returning home in time for a spot of tea. 

To those familiar with his work, it would appear that Tim Burton was put on this earth for no other reason than to direct a re-make of Walt Disney’s 1951 animated classic, Alice in Wonderland …but he didn’t.

Burton’s goal was to give the story "some framework of emotional grounding" and "to try and make Alice feel more like a story as opposed to a series of events." So instead of a re-make or worse yet, a re-imagination, Burton gives us a Return to Oz* kind of journey back to Wonderland. 

Our once young Alice is now 19 and on the verge of a courtship with Hamish Ascot, a pompous young man with digestion problems. Alice, a wild child for the Victorian era, avoids Mr. Ascots' marriage proposal by once again following the White Rabbit down his rabbit hole, without any recollection of her first escapade down south.

Wonderland, isn’t Wonderland any longer, in fact, it never was. Underland, as it has apparently always been referred to is ruled by the terrible Red Queen. Unbeknownst to Alice, it has been written that she will slay the Jabberwocky- defeating the Red Queen and returning the Crown to the White Queen, thus restoring order in Wonder-eh-hem, Underland, although there is question to whether or not the White Rabbit even lured the correct Alice down the hole in the first place. 

Burton creates a clear goal for Alice, and thus, a story, as opposed to a series of events. However, does he succeed in his attempt to give this story “some framework of emotional grounding?

Yes and no.

I know that’s not really a fair answer, but life ain’t fair, kids.

Halfway through the movie Alice has a Network (1976) moment, claims her individuality, and clues us into the real theme of the story. We’ve all seen it before, but I sure wasn’t expecting something groundbreaking. A kid friendly movie has to reach a wide audience, especially a movie with a $200 million dollar budget, and it will. 

Consequently, my emotional connection to Alice teetered between a-little and not so much, but I ask you, who’s face is it we see filling the movie poster frame? I’ll give you a hint; it doesn’t belong to anyone resembling Goldilocks.  Johnny Depp is the real star of this movie. Depp and Burton team up for the sixth time shaping a character sure to grab the spotlight and garner much of our emotional response. Depp, as always, is impressive, and to be honest, his perfection is almost boring. But Depp isn’t the only big name on this cast list.

There has been talk of how Burton’s wife, Helena Bonham Carter, steals the show from Depp as The Red Queen; indeed her character is rich and fun.  Anne Hathaway, Crispin Glover, Michael Sheen and Stephen Fry round out this all-star cast. In reality, it's not the cast or even the characters that really carry this movie along, but the spectacle Burton creates. 

While the original film is in many ways ominous, thought provoking, and, well, something of a trip, Burton’s vision hardly deserves the same comparison. Released in 3-D and IMAX 3-D (the only way to see a 3-D movie), comparing the 2010 release to the 1951 release is like comparing your home cooking to your mothers; you may call the dish by the same name but they're really worlds apart. 


However, the brush that Burton paints with, the colors on the palate he chooses, the characters he helps to embellish, and the score Danny Elfman orchestrated produces a fantasy spectacle worthy of anyone's two hours.

My Vote: Sliding into the # 6 spot on the All Time Opening Weekends list, it would appear that my vote really wouldn’t count.

* Return to Oz from 1985 tells the tale of Dorothy returning to Oz 6 months after her initial departure. There’s no Emerald city and there are people with wheels where their hands should be. It’s not pretty, but it’s pretty scary.